KAYLA MITCHELL IS DEAD.

Not Kayla. But you get the idea.

Kayla Mitchell died late on Tuesday night. She’d just managed to fight her way out of the Nursery after facing and defeating the horror that lurked in the basement, but she died tragically just feet from safety. Low on ammo and on health, she attempted to open a locked door between her and a manhole that led back to the protection of the safe house, but – ALAS! – as she struggled to get it open she was ambushed by four zombies and devoured.

Kayla was the longest surviving of the string of characters I’ve played since beginning ZombiU. I can’t remember exactly how long she lasted, but it was a good three or four hours, and losing her was a real blow. It’s weird how you get attached to the survivors – Kayla in particular spent most of the time absolutely terrified, almost sobbing every time a zombie shuffled into view. It made me want to protect her and see her through to the endgame. I didn’t do a very good job.

Now I’ve been given control of Dexter, a balding, tracksuited geezer with a profession I can’t even remember. His first task was to dispatch the now zombified Kayla. It was a sad moment.

It’s amazing how emotionally affecting ZombiU can be – it’s certainly the most affecting video game I can remember. It’s also by far the scariest, to the point where I simply can’t play it for more than an hour a time.

I’m getting towards the end, slowly. The Nursery was hard, and by far the scariest part of the game so far. Let’s see how Dexter gets on – maybe in time I’ll grow to like him as much as Kayla. Maybe he’ll even last to the end credits. Maybe.

A-Monster Hunting We Will Go…

Whereas Sir Gaulian is content to just get stuck into his sports games nowadays, I’ve been getting more and more into the gaming scene recently. Over the past six months I’ve bought an unprecedented four games (X-COM, ZombiU, New Super Mario Bros. and Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate) on day one at full price, which is something I haven’t done since the days of the Dreamcast. Yes, the gaming bug has firmly gotten a hold of me again.

The thing is though, back in those halcyon Dreamcast days I had all the time in the world to play my new purchases in between the odd lecture and a bit of student boozing. Now university is a dim and distant memory, and most of my spare time is taken up by, you know, responsible adult things. And I have to go to WORK! I know, rubbish isn’t it?

In your FACE, monster. Yeah, you heard.

Still, it’s the Easter weekend now (hurrah!), so what better way to relax than by  loading up Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate for the first time and hacking at a few dinosaur things for an afternoon? It’s my first foray into the Monster Hunter world, but from what I’ve seen of it, it looks very similar to Phantasy Star Online on the Dreamcast. I loved PSO, and that game also marked the first and last time I played an online RPG. It’ll be interesting to see who the online RPG has changed over the past ten or so years…

Anyway, if you’re at a loose end and feel like laying the smack down on a few fantasy monsters together, look me up: my Wii U username is Merriweather and my Monster Hunter guild name is Lucius.

Happy Easter everyone!

Why Always Online is a Huge Mistake for Microsoft

I wouldn’t normally comment on the media circus surrounding the next generation of consoles – because to be honest I don’t really care that much – but some news from the Microsoft camp late last week got me all hot under the collar. The all-but-confirmed news that the Xbox 720 (or ‘Durango’ or whatever they decide to call it) will be ‘always online’ had me staring at my web browser in dumbfounded amazement.

I love this artist’s impression of the Xbox 720 controller. Sadly I couldn’t find the source of the image, but whoever you are. WELL DONE.

Although it hasn’t been officially confirmed, this ‘always online’ business means that it’s highly likely that if your next-gen Xbox isn’t connected to the internet, you simply won’t be able to play any games, as you’ll need to be connected so that the Microsoft servers can verify that the game you’re playing is genuine and not a pirate copy. It also seems to indicate that any games you buy might be tied to your Xbox Live account, which means that second-hand games won’t work.

This still hasn’t been officially confirmed by Microsoft of course: the ‘always online’ rumour seems now to be genuine, but we still don’t know whether Microsoft will go the whole hog and restrict the content you’re ‘allowed’ to use. However, it does seem like they’re heading down a dark alley of not-goodness.

The disastrous launches of Diablo III and SimCity have proven that forcing players to connect to a potentially creaky server just to play the game is a not good idea, so to base a whole console around this concept seems to be asking for trouble. What if the network goes down, as happened after the PlayStation Network was hacked? What if your internet connection goes down? What if you’re moving house and can’t get connected for a month? What if you live in a rural area with limited or no broadband? In any of these cases will your shiny new next-gen Xbox be reduced to the status of an expensive under-TV ornament?

Likewise, effectively ‘banning’ the sale of second-hand games by making them unplayable seems foolhardy in the extreme. The thinking seems to be that publishers and manufacturers are ‘losing’ sales every time someone buys a second-hand game, when this is clearly not the case. I buy second-hand games, but I also buy new ones when something particularly special catches my eye. If I couldn’t buy those second-hand games because they wouldn’t work, I wouldn’t just buy the new equivalent – I couldn’t afford it for a start. In the end, players just wouldn’t be able to play as wide a range of games as they do now, which is bad news for everyone.

Second-hand games are an easy way to get into a series: you might buy the first couple of Assassin’s Creed games, for example, which gets you into the series enough to buy the third game new when it comes out. Or you might borrow a game from a friend and like it enough to buy the sequel. If Microsoft decides that games have to be tied to a single Xbox account, both of those options disappear.

Then there’s the potential impact on games stores: in the UK, a huge chunk of GAME’s sales are derived from the second-hand market, so without that they’ll more than likely go under. Again.

It seems even more bizarre that Microsoft might go down this route when Sony have confirmed that the PlayStation 4 WON’T restrict secondhand content or require an internet connection. In light of this, it would be absolute madness if Microsoft decided to restrict what their users could play, and I for one would veer towards purchasing a PlayStation 4 for this very reason.

Although, to be honest, I’m pretty happy with my Wii U and my enormous backlog of games for now, thanks very much.

Riddler spotted in Walthamstow

My co-podcaster Ian (see 101filmsyoushouldhaveseen.com) spotted this little oddity on his travels round Walthamstow. It seems the Riddler has escaped Arkham once again and has been leaving trophies a bit further afield than Gotham… Sadly, Ian didn’t have his batsuit with him, so he was unable to scan the trophy using detective vision.

Lost Planet 2: Well That Was A Bit Rubbish

I’m a big fan of the original Lost Planet, and I picked up Lost Planet 2 a few months back in the hope of more of the familar giant-monster bashing, robot thrashing and emo Japanese plotting involving people with strange hairstyles. Sadly, it turned out to be rubbish.

I was aware that the sequel had been redesigned to be more of an online co-op game, but I wasn’t aware just how far the designers had gone down this route, to the point where I couldn’t actually work out how to start a single-player game from the title screen. Regular readers will probably be aware that I’m not a huge fan of online gaming, and that my Xbox Live Gold membership expired quite some time ago after I’d spent a grand total of an hour and a half online in the space of a year. Call me old fashioned, but I’m not a huge fan of being gunned down by potty-mouthed teenagers who subsequently delight in teabagging my corpse.

So far, so good. Big glowy creatures and lots of snow.

Anyway, eventually I worked out how to start a solo game (I think it involved selecting something obtuse like ‘start new session’), and soon I was gunning down big glowy creatures just like in the first game, although this time I had a load of computer-controlled allies helping me out. I didn’t particularly want them to help out, but there they were anyway.

On level 2 though, things took a turn for the worse. For some reason, I was now shooting oddly clothed humans instead of big glowy creatures. Apparently my band of oddly clothed humans had some sort of beef with these other oddly clothed humans, although I have no idea as to what that beef was. Certainly, it seemed to stray from the series template of shooting big glowy creatures. And also it took place in a jungle right next to a frozen tundra, which was a bit odd. It sort of reminded me of the level select screen on Lemmings 2, in which a single, dartboard-esque island contained landscapes ranging from ‘beach to ‘space’.

I never did work out how a part of the island in Lemmings 2 was in space.

Eventually some big glowy creatures turned up, and my AI team mates killed them for me. I didn’t really want them to, but there you go.

Then on level 3 it all came crashing down. The big glowy creatures were conspicuous by their absence, and the entire level consisted of shooting oddly clothed humans for some reason I never quite gathered. I got told to protect some bit of switch thing. It all started to feel a bit like protecting a base in Call of Duty. But I didn’t want it to be like Call of Duty, I wanted it to be like Lost Planet. You know, with big glowy creatures. It became very dull. My unwanted team mates didn’t seem to be doing a very good job of protecting the switch thing, so the ‘enemy’ would often switch it back to a direction I didn’t want them to switch it to. Then I’d have to switch it back again. This continued for quite a while.

After some time I finished the level. I hovered over the ‘continue to next level’ button for a short while, but the thought of playing any more of this awful rubbish filled me with dread. I ejected the disc instead and put it straight on eBay.

How is it possible to screw up a game about shooting big glowy creatures so badly?

Why am I in a jungle now? And why are these oddly clothed men shooting at me?

[Penned in ennui by Lucius Merriweather.]

El Shaddai: Mad as a Bag of Frogs

I listed El Shaddai: Ascension of the Metatron at number two in the ‘games I would have played in 2011 if I’d had the time‘, and I’ve finally, FINALLY got round to finishing it. And it was… pretty good actually. Not quite as good as it could have been, but good nonetheless.

If you’ve never heard of it, El Shaddai is a fighting and platforming game based on an ancient Jewish text. Yes, you heard that right. It also has one of the most obtuse and bizarre titles I’ve ever heard. Next time one of your friends asks you what you’re playing at the moment, just reply “El Shaddai: Ascension of the Metatron, it’s a game based on an ancient mystical text in which you play a holy scribe tasked with capturing fallen angels to prevent a great flood.” Then watch them back away from you slowly while shaking their head.

Blue blue jeeaaaaaans / I wear them every day / There’s no par-tic-u-lar reason to change…

Anyway, the Metatron of the title is Enoch, who you control for most of the game, and El Shaddai is one of the Judaic names of God. The story is based on the Book of Enoch, which is an ancient Jewish religious work detailing Enoch’s attempts to round up those naughty fallen angels and stop God from flooding the world to destroy them. You’re accompanied by Lucifel (Lucifer?), who bizarrely is always to be found chatting to God on his mobile phone – it appears Lucifel exists outside of time, so he has access to things like phones when he’s in the distant past. Presumably he also gave Enoch his blue jeans, which didn’t strike me as very 9th century BC.

The game itself doesn’t start particularly well: in fact, the first three chapters are pretty boring. Often you’ll find yourself running for long periods through an abstract landscape with nothing to fight and only the occasional platforms to hop across – not exactly gripping. The game’s religious iconography and fighting mechanic openly invites comparisons to Bayonetta, and all through the first hour I just found myself thinking “This isn’t as good as Bayonetta, this isn’t as good as Bayonetta…”

Ooooh, it is pretty though, isn’t it?

Thankfully, things pick up at about the time you reach the war pigs. Good old war pigs. You see, it’s at this point that you get the final weapon of your triumvirate, and suddenly the game makes a bit more sense – there are three weapons with a scissors, paper, stone relationship, and from that point your success in battle is really determined by choosing the right weapon to use against the right enemy. It’s a clever mechanic that works really well, but it’s a shame it doesn’t get introduced until you’re over an hour in and bored stiff.

Still, from that point onwards the game gets a lot more interesting, and the levels get a whole lot fancier too. Then initial, fairly bland levels segway into fanciful depictions of hell, bizarre futuristic cities populated with fighting motorbikes, and even child-like, crayon-drawn levels filled with bouncing dildoes. Sorry, not dildoes, Nephalim – the offspring of angels and humans. Who just happen to look a bit penis-shaped for some reason.

These are the Nephalim. I’ll let you make up your own mind.

I loved all of the escalating craziness – it’s quite refreshing to find a game where you genuinely don’t know what’s coming next. However, I found the platform levels got a bit dull after a while, saved only by the fact that they were so visually arresting. Similarly, the fighting levels never really lived up to their promise – I was expecting to face more and more foes that would need more complex strategies to deal with them, but it never really happened. You never gain any more abilities after you retrieve your three weapons, so by the end it can feel a bit repetitive.

The game also feels a little rough around the edges, despite its wildly imaginative visuals. The front end is bland compared to the game itself, and some parts of the game just feel a bit empty, like there should have been more things to do but they just didn’t have the time or money to put them in. El Shaddai is just crying out for a few more gameplay features – extra abilities, more varied enemies, better structured levels – but it just falls short.

Despite its wonderful visuals and bonkers storyline, El Shaddai just can’t hold a candle to Bayonetta I’m afraid.

[As penned in praise by Lucius Merriweather.]

Link’s Awakening Cruelly Curtailed

I underwent a somewhat traumatic experience last weekend: while I was on holiday in France, my Nintendo 3DS was stolen from my bag. It’s the first time I’ve ever had anything nicked, and I was pretty upset about it as you can imagine. However, luckily I had travel insurance, so hopefully I won’t lose out too much financially, but it’s a pretty heavy blow in terms of game hours lost.

There were three games taken with the 3DS – Apollo Justice, The Legend of Zelda: The Phantom Hourglass and Ridge Racer 3D -  as well as all of the games I’d downloaded onto the console. I’d barely started the three cartridge games, but on the 3DS itself I was about five hours into Crimson Shroud, and I was only two chapters from the end in The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening DX. Now I face the prospect of having to start them all over again when I get my replacement console.

Bye bye baby, bye bye…

It’s frustrating more than anything else. On Nintendo’s part, I think it’s about time they introduced personal Nintendo IDs rather than tying all purchases to a specific console, as now I’m faced with the prospect of having to pay for all of those downloaded games again. Also, some sort of cloud back-up system for game saves would be a phenomenally good idea – Apple already do it for iPhone, so perhaps Nintendo should think about following suit. I’ll bet 3DS consoles get lost, broken or stolen all the time, so it would be a great service for customers.

I’m sure I’ll download Crimson Shroud again when I eventually get a new 3DS, but I’m not sure I can face replaying all of the many dungeons on Link’s Awakening just to see the last couple of levels. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great game, but it’s also pretty challenging and unforgiving.

Step wary traveller, for death lurks behind every corner.

In more recent Zelda games, death has all but been removed: losing a life as Link is a rare occurrence indeed, and even then death usually only provides a minor inconvenience. In Link’s Awakening, however, death comes swiftly and frequently – this is old-school gaming.

Every dungeon is packed with enemies that can kill you remarkably quickly, and life-replenishing hearts are scarce on the ground, in stark contrast to the showers of hearts to be found behind every boulder in later Zelda games. Even harsher, when you restart after dying you’re given a paltry three hearts to begin with, so each resurrection is accompanied by a careful hunt for extra health. It takes a while to get used to after the mollycoddling of modern Zelda, but ultimately it’s a lot more satisfying: completing a dungeon really feels like an achievement.

What I want to know is who’s leaving all of these rupees and hearts in the grass? Careless elves?

The only real annoyance I found with the game is that the map is next to useless, and in-between dungeons I often found myself looking to a guide to find out what the hell I was meant to be doing. You may hear people moan about there being too much hand-holding and hint-giving in ‘soft’ modern games, but these people probably forget the hours and hours they spent in old-school games just wandering around with no clue as to where they should be going.

Overall though, Link’s Awakening is a great game, and its bite-sized dungeons are perfect for gaming on the go. It’s just a shame I’ll never get to finish it…

[Penned in melancholy by Lucius Merriweather.]